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Time for the Show 1×47: Attenuated Attendance

Peas has fled the country in an attempt to create an off-shore bank-account but doesn’t know there aren’t any on the beach. Doktor Cosmac arrives to attempt to replace peas, but who are we kidding. Aster Six shows up as well and the GANG plays Is it a Band  with a new list by Cosmac. Pee-Wee Herman is the subject of this week’s Messiah or Pariah and Faux begs the viewers to tell a friend about the show. Won’t YOU?

Time for the Show 1×49: The Final Kwanzaamas

It’s Christmas, and Jesus doesn’t look a day over 1500. Papa Faux learns what a SubGenius is after discovering how easy it is to make Fidd take unidentified medication. Peas reveals the secrets he learned in “radio school”. The hosts do their famous “intro trick”, which is where they burn the first 75% of the show talking about what’s going to happen during the remaining 25%. Peas uses a month’s worth of cow lube and a battering ram to attempt to force a bit where Rudolph the Reindeer is a guest on the show (Teller was funnier). Inside jokes and references to past shows litter everything before the first song break. ISIS gets a pass in the spirit of the season during The Blind Eye, which is followed by a Scalpod-hosted round of Is It A Band. Both segments only take about three minutes each. Fidd announces the Is It A Band trading card series! After the final music break, the sacred on-air live sound check is consecrated, which is followed by a viewer mail segment in which less than half of the submissions are fake news — a new record! Peas talks about something he calls a “mustard poltriss”, which for some reason leads him not only into disclosing the secrets he learned as a Shriner and Mason in the Scottish and York rites (no shit), but also articulating a scholarly explanation of Kwanzaa before getting steamrolled by Fidd and Faux into apologizing for the entire show hereuntoforthwith. Fidd and peas are rightfully shitfaced by the end of the show — no further notes required.

Time for the Show 1×36: The Twister ‘n’ Dildoe Morning Show

Do you not know, Asclepius, that Egypt is an image of heaven, or, to speak more exactly, in Egypt all the operations of the powers which rule and work in heaven have been transferred to earth below?

Nay, it should rather be said that the whole Kosmos dwells in this our land as in its sanctuary. And yet, since it is fitting that wise men should have knowledge of all events before they come to pass, you must not be left in ignorance of this: there will come a time when it will be seen that in vain have the Egyptians honoured the deity with heartfelt piety and assiduous service; and all our holy worship will be found bootless and ineffectual. For the gods will return from earth to heaven.

Egypt will be forsaken, and the land which was once the home of religion will be left desolate, bereft of the presence of its deities.

This land and region will be filled with foreigners; not only will men neglect the service of the gods, […] and Egypt will be occupied by Scythians or Indians or by some such race from the barbarian countries thereabout. In that day will our most holy land, this land of shrines and temples, be filled with funerals and corpses. To thee, most holy Nile, I cry, to thee I foretell that which shall be; swollen with torrents of blood, thou wilt rise to the level of thy banks, and thy sacred waves will be not only stained, but utterly fouled with gore.

Do you weep at this, Asclepius? There is worse to come; Egypt herself will have yet more to suffer; she will fall into a far more piteous plight, and will be infected with yet more, grievous plagues; and this land, which once was holy, a land which loved the gods, and wherein alone, in reward for her devotion, the gods deigned to sojourn upon earth, a land which was the teacher of mankind in holiness and piety, this land will go beyond all in cruel deeds. The dead will far outnumber the living; and the survivors will be known for Egyptians by their tongue alone, but in their actions they will seem to be men of another race.

O Egypt, Egypt, of thy religion nothing will remain but an empty tale, which thine own children in time to come will not believe; nothing will be left but graven words, and only the stones will tell of thy piety. And in that day men will be weary of life, and they will cease to think the universe worthy of reverent wonder and of worship. And so religion, the greatest of all blessings, for there is nothing, nor has been, nor ever shall be, that can be deemed a greater boon, will be threatened with destruction; men will think it a burden, and will come to scorn it […]

Darkness will be preferred to light, and death will be thought more profitable than life; no one will raise his eyes to heaven ; the pious will be deemed insane, and the impious wise; the madman will be thought a brave man, and the wicked will be esteemed as good. As to the soul, and the belief that it is immortal by nature, or may hope to attain to immortality, as I have taught you, all this they will mock at, and will even persuade themselves that it is false. No word of reverence or piety, no utterance worthy of heaven and of the gods of heaven, will be heard or believed.

And so the gods will depart from mankind, a grievous thing!, and only evil angels will remain, who will mingle with men, and drive the poor wretches by main force into all manner of reckless crime, into wars, and robberies, and frauds, and all things hostile to the nature of the soul. Then will the earth no longer stand unshaken, and the sea will bear no ships; heaven will not support the stars in their orbits, nor will the stars pursue their constant course in heaven; all voices of the gods will of necessity be silenced and dumb; the fruits of the earth will rot; the soil will turn barren, and the very air will sicken in sullen stagnation. After this manner will old age come upon the world. Religion will be no more; all things will be disordered and awry; all good will disappear.

— Asclepius