*** CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS ***
[ OFFICIAL TERMINAL TRANSMISSION // DOKTORATE CLEARANCE ONLY ]
Welcome, Initiate. This page has been calibrated to match the frequency of the First FisTemple Lodge text terminal. Avoid False Slack, ignore Conspiracy propaganda, and keep your $30 ready.
“TRYING IS FAILING! You must pull the wool over your own eyes!”
— Doktor Philo
Operational Protocol
- Keep your Slack meter above 0% at all times.
- Ensure Form 13013 is stamped in triplicate by a licensed SubGenius Doktor.
- Board the Pleasure Saucer before 7:00 AM sharp on July 5, 1998.
It’s 6:00 AM on July 5, 1998, and you’ve mailed “Bob” your $30 in good faith. Mailing the money isn’t the same as mailing yourself, though, and the X-ists arrive at exactly 7:00 AM to demolish Earth for a galactic construction project, paperwork or no paperwork. Between here and the Pleasure Saucer stands a Pink receptionist who worships Form 13013 more than Slack itself, a Doktor whose Third Eye won’t realign without a Mondo Burger, a radio evangelist broadcasting doom into the void, and “Bob” himself, offering salvation at a price that was never actually fixed. You have one hour, a stolen cassette tape, and nowhere near enough Slack. The Conspiracy has better things to do than make this easy.
This game was assembled by the MWOWM Supercomputer AI at dobbscord.subgeniuses.com, with revisions passed through a second machine for polish. Between the two of them, the X-ists now arrive at the correct hour. Neither machine will apologize for the first draft. Praise ‘Bob’.
